The Outsider Who Keeps Forgetting He's An Outsider

I am an outsider, and it is so hard. I keep forgetting that I can never be friends with the common people, no matter how close I feel to be to them, how connected, how much I care for them, or they for me. We are all human, but we are not all the same. I do not know if I am an Indigo or a Crystal, or what (I do not pay much attention to name tags anyway.) But, I am different. Who I am is not who others are. No matter how well I can come to feel that I understand them, and come to feel understood, the moment I think I can be friends with them I have to face the rude awakening of the truth; it can never be. How easily I forget.

I guess my spiritual role here is to help people, to be a positive influence. But at the same time, I am Human, I am a man, I am an emotional being. A sensitive being. I have the same needs, wants, desires, fears, insecurities and dislikes as we all have. Prick me and I do bleed. I desire friendship, understanding, connection, like everyone else. At heart I am a social person. But in this reality I am incapable. It may not be the fault of the people, but it is certainly not my fault. I have tried over the years in so many ways to connect to people. I have tried very hard to be like them, I have tried hard to be comfortable in being me, I always try to be patient and attentive, and I am by nature kind and compassionate. I put up with many, many things that bother and offend me on multiple levels. I forgive and forget (I admit I used to be a grudge carrier, but I have worked hard to move past this in recent years.) I am an expert of putting aside the negative feelings that come with being an outsider and to approach each day fresh and positive, open and ready for new opportunities and possibilities. Open and ready to connect where I could not before. I am doing everything right as best I can, and with any mistakes that I discover I work hard to deal with them.

It may be no one's fault, just the way it is. Is it the fault of deer who do not let a stray dog play with them? They may not know how, or simply not understand the situation on an intuitive level. People do often fear what they do not understand, and can be way too quick to cast unwarranted judgement on those who are different. It is a strange thing, being so strong now and used to being an outsider. Yet at the same time, still a bit confused by why this is and easily forgetting that I can only get so close to people before it becomes awkward and problems arise. What problems? That is very difficult to explain. I go about everything differently: the manner of which I speak, the tones I use, what I say or do not say, gestures and body language, etc. They are all different. I hate BS, and to participate in it literally sickens me. I do my best to be a gentleman about it, but at the same time I can only handle so much. It is a strange life that I live, like I have been cursed. Is this bad karma for a past life? Was I some kind of popular celebrity who treated everyone like crap and this is my punishment? Or am I here on a spiritual mission to make the world a better place? In that case, the hardship that I am forced to endure is incidental and something that I am just expected to deal with.

I do deal with it, and as I am older and wiser--and stronger--it is not the hellish existence that it once was. I can feel fairly content in my life these days, although not all-together satisfied (I aspire to greater things than I have yet achieved.) But every time I realize that the people I am getting close to will never be my friends, it hurts. Every time. And I feel stupid for having forgotten. I suppose part of me, the optimistic side, likes to assume that somehow this rule can be broken.

It's rather like Charlie Brown when Lucy holds the soccer ball down and offers to let "Chuck" kick it. Charlie Brown always questions it, because every single time she offers and he runs to kick the ball, Lucy then holds the ball away and he lands flat on his back. But every time Lucy assures him that this time she won't do that to him, and every time he falls for it. Some people might think that this makes Charlie Brown stupid, but isn't this an act of optimism? Isn't that positive thinking what gets us through life? This is the same situation I am in, metaphorically. Every time I believe it will be different and I can just let go, be myself, and join into the social world. And every time I land flat on my back, or face, and wonder why I fell for it again. But I suppose it's as simple as Charles Schulz's social comment, nothing more or less complicated than that.

Sorry if I rambled on. It feels good to just say these things.

Atta boy! Amen to every single word. And I can say that "I am an insider who keeps on remembering that he is an insider in the outside world"

Well I see I am not alone, TheGreatWhiteBuffalo. "The Outsider" by Colin Wilson is a fascinating study of the outsider personality and the difference, ever read that? His theory is that we are all about truth while most people aren't, and that is the fundamental difference. I personally am not sure that's all it is, but it is an interesting insight. On the whole it's still a mystery to me, especially the question of why I am so different, and what am I doing here?

MoonChild wrote:

Atta boy! Amen to every single word. And I can say that "I am an insider who keeps on remembering that he is an insider in the outside world"

Ha ha, good one!

Being older than you guys and having a bit more life experience behind me, I can say this: I spent so much of my life trying to understand why I was so different, why others were so different from me. I have found people like those here at LW, especially you Blue, that have been my life line, my true connection so to speak. Now in real life, I am pretty much a loner, though there are people who I will get together with from time to time. If you wish to spend time with those who are so unlike you, you must accept them for who they are. Otherwise you will close the door completely to potentally rewarding relationships/friendships. We constantly seek to connect with people who are like us, who are more insightful, more spiritual, more interesting, yet these people are few and far between in our real lives. Still, they are interesting in their own ways.

It's ok that they are different, that we are different. Embrace all that you are and can be. Appreciate and love who you are. You don't have to be lonely. That is your choce wether to be lonely or not. Accept others as they are, different, yet the same in many aspects. We all face challenges, we all love and laugh, we all have thngs to offer. I used to say to people "Yeah, I know, I'm weird." They would sit there in contemplation and say "No, you're not weird, that is very insightful, I never looked at it that way." Or if it were paranormal and 'out there' they would say, "Yeah that is rather out there." We would laugh and realize that even through our difference of opinons, we could remain friends.

Thanks for those wise words, Night. You are right of course, that is the only way to go about it. It requires patience, determination and a serious effort. But I can see that in time it would be worth it.

One of the profound things that I found which is what I was writing about to your other post but I didn't write or spell it out was that the one who is an exception is the one that puts a value on being true.

The way telepathy works is through the person that can remain true. Gem nailed part of the process is the ability to also focus. Pointing straight like an arrow and concentrating on a specific point.

These are some of the keys the ways in which it all works.

I pick up on things all the time, I think I have demonstrated that more than once.

Let's do another Guardian Angel Test...

Yeah, we all are capable of being so much more than we are. Consciousness means infinite possibilities. I guess I always held that against people, that I knew they could be much more than they are. What I need to do is stop that negative attitude and look at it in terms of, they are what they are but can be so much more but do not realize it and I have the rare ability to see this and am able to inspire them to see it. I need to adopt that positive mindset instead.

As for feeling left out, well as Night said, in time I can learn to fit in by accepting them for who/how they are and learning to connect with them in that way.


Telepathy, yeah. That's one possibility. Went into that in a different thread, or something similar. We can do almost anything we imagine.

Imagine if you will that the reality is looking to the north and seeing the landscape of mountains meeting the horizon and a panoramic view and for a moment you pause and think, I wonder?

What is it that you saw?

I'm not sure what you mean by "the reality." If you mean my perspective, or what. But to imagine the image that you described and explain what I see...I see a gateway, a doorway, a portal or entrance. The mountains do not end but extend on into the sky. That is what I see when I focus on that image.

The image you see is the one that I have written for you, you have not seen what I saw, or did I see what you saw at the moment that you saw it?

Oddly enough there are many ways to view what is written, but what is shared as a vision requires an image like that of a photo. Your perspective then changes if you are getting the true picture you will see through the writings perfectly clearly and you will hear the music in a way that is rather different.

These maybe things that you have already experienced. I'm drawing out your vision of the mountains that reach up into the sky, but that is not a true picture for what you see along the horizon. There was an object to be described and the scenery is so common yet it was like seeing it for the first time.

Remember this is just for fun an odd exercise I created and thought I would try just on a chance that you, I and others might be able to connect on a deeper level or is that a higher level???

I'm beginning to think you write the clues for crosswords Gary, because you can be so darn cryptic at times. I don't know if what you are proposing is some sort of test or some sort of guessing game.

I haven't weighed in on this thread as I talked to Blue in chat with Night about this subject. My thoughts were that pretty much everyone on this planet feels they are different. And we are! If you start to think you are different as in 'better than another person' then that is ego talking because nobody is better. Behaviours may differ greatly as do beliefs but at the core a human is just a human - a blank slate or vehicle for the soul to inhabit and then personalise through experience and intention. There is much scientific exploration into the whys and whats of those who feel like they are outsiders. Much of the findings are mundanely logical explanations. For instance, those who don't have a large social circle and spend alot of time on their own and who either work in solitary conditions or don't work are more likely to feel like outsiders than those who do have alot of friends, social contact and a job. There are many people - even those who consider themselves not to be outsiders - who are truth seekers. Different folks go about different ways and maybe it is not always obvious.

The message I feel coming through loud and strong in here is that it is up to those who aren't 'good enough' to live up to some standard set by those who feel they are different before the two can form a comfortable connection. To me that is judgment. None of us have the right to decide for another person what they can be or 'should' do ... inspiration happens without pressure... to inspire you walk your walk and talk your talk without any expectations other than living the life you desire for yourself. I used to get all caught up in the 'I'm different' thing too...felt isolated because people didn't understand me...but I know that I did it to myself. All my own choices reacting to my experiences. The only different thing about me is that I am not different - I am one of many people on this planet here as an expression of a universal energy that is everything.

I think it is a great shame when people feel disconnected. Have you heard the old advice given to someone about to make a public speech who is nervous about talking in front of a crowd? Imagine them all in their underwear, then you will relax. The wisdom in this advice is to strip away their coverings and see them as being basically the same as yourself. You wouldn't get nervous talking to a whole lot of yous, would you? Same advice applies here. Take away the labels and pretend the whole world is in their underwear - you are them and they are you and there is no division. We are all good enough and perfectly whole.

Hi Goth,

Very interesting thoughts that you have, the duallity of the thread was just made clear as a lesson to learn from in a different way than what I was trying to share. I can certainly see where you are coming from and that certainly wasn't the vision I was trying to share with Blue. As for my isolations and needing to be like the rest of the world stripped down to just my undeerwear before I speak??? LOL or better yet as we all come into the world with nothing at all on... All mothers know the clothes the children were wearing when we all entered into the world... Happy Mothers Day you Mom you...

Now with all of the science weighed in on this subject of forcing people to be equal as though I woke up today and decided I wanted to lie to you and others to cause harm to our relationship this is the issue something that has not had enough research it seems that someone has thrown a monkey wrench into the way our minds percieve our world and ourselves. Why do we have to accept that we can not be unique and individual? Why isn't there a group of people who know and follow the path of truth? It would separate us from them and the people who are telling the truth would stand out from those who tell lies and the lies would be exposed.

Let's say that the world is stacked against you, your husband wants to rip your relationship apart and force you to lose your parental rights. (This is my story not yours) So my wife starts to get involved with a group of people who are going to give her a hand, let's say information is gained through new groups developed by a new leadership in the church that we attend. The focus and nourishment that my wife rec ieves is all based upon separating men from their wives, information is gathered about divorce. What you set before you in your mind is what will be manifest for you in your life. They brought about a reality that I would not like, who else helped my wife create this new reality for me? The courts, agencies of the Commonwealth? Why would all of these people work together to create this new reality for me (a bad reality)? Let's look at who or whom might be in a position to have something to gain. We know the issues with my grandmother, how my step mother is the controlling force in the life of my father and now my grandmother and me. How does my stepmother control my life and how did she control my life? Let's go way back and review the damage caused in my life through abuse beginning with my childhood. How was my father manipulated by the women in his life. There we have women in positions of control over how a man thinks. (Could it be? True?) Women do have a great deal of control over the men in their lives and through recognizing this fact in such a way people start to align their works and words to be in reverence and respect of this great authority right or wrong. "There is no question of if this is true. (Dual meaning and a false statement)" We want to believe that we all lie, intentionally so we allow the liars their rights to decieve and this higher level of thinking extends into those who are in positions of power. Example who has created a forum is in the great position of power to decide who will ancd who will not participate, or those who are judges might decide who will have full custody of the children and if the people of the court recommend that the children be put into foster care then the judge will most likely go with the choices recommended to the court by the agencies of the court.

A dumb person would challenge the authority of anyone in a higher position. Yet most people who are gathered into the worship through an organized religion fail to understand that they most likely are being taught to challenge the system of authority be it their own (self interest) or that authority of others. If you follow the narrow path you will be alone when you stand before the masses who are interested in hearing you sing your story.

There are few who will help those like minded indiividuals who have found themselves isolated for the truth that they wish to share. One person can make and move a mole hill or a big mound, a small group can move much larger masses and when you have everyone working together on the same page you can change the world. It begins with one person being the change that they wish to see.

It all begins by not going with the crowd when a lie is produced and exposing the lie with the truth.

Can we connect on a deeper level, can you see the picture that I saw? What is the object that you have put into the picture looking around the panoramic view of the horizon follow the peaks and valleys? Hint: There is only one right answer but all individual descriptions will be true if those giving in participation are being honest. If not???? (what do we stand to lose?)

You know the title of this thread really grabbed my attention, I'm trying to share in context of all that has been written, and there are many points at which the information overlaps in each of our lives.

When I look at the title I'm reminded of the accident to which I was a witness and the only person who was charged with any violation. The significant thing is that I was the only person from several towns away, I was the alien in this community. Putting all things together I would say that I have paid my dues to participate in this and other threads, where we are not equal but quite unique (invited to participate and not forced to accept) as the definition of tolerance is used broadly while remaining quite a narrow concept.

I gotta say Gary, that when I posted my reply I was at the end of a pretty disappointing day and didn't feel very unique - just exhausted and defeated. Perhaps my ideas were put a little more aggressively than I had intended...(like attracting like - my home situation spilling over emotionally in my words...note to self: no more posting while in a bad or depressed mood ). I do get the whole idea of needing to be unique and how it can cause problems connecting socially with those who don't appear to be following the same track as us....but I also ascribe to the view of respecting the rights of others to be who they choose to be without infringing on their free will. My mantra is 'treat other people the way you wish to be treated". I don't wish to be treated as a loner or disrespectfully so I try to treat others well with these things in mind. Not saying I always succeed mind you...I am human

I'm waiting for someone to take up the issue with the statement that, "There is no question if this is true!" I completely follow what you are writing about not writing when you are in a bad mood or any altered state of consciousness as being able to clearly communicate can become severely hampered with thoughts that are so easily read the wrong way.

I often times find myself really focused upon what I want to write and how I wish to word my thoughts. On occasion I will put something out in haste, sometimes as you say I put things out cryptically, or I try to draw others into a conversation allowing them to explore their own thoughts. This gives them the opportunity to view for themselves their own inner workings. This brings about growth and a bit of self realization takes place.

Consider again my prayer of five directions, I've been thinking about that prayer a lot lately and I reversed the whole process in my mind, I rotate from looking East then North, and to the West followed by the South and instead of looking down I look up and as I look up I concentrate on the immensity of the universe and then I shrink seeing into the smallest system our planet the focus is smaller and smaller on the molecular level I see from below looking up through the Earth and concentrating on the molecular structure at the atomic level I see through the Earth as it is transparent at that microscopic level from below I see through to my self looking up and out where I'm now again concentratig on the Macro level where everything is expanding before I come around and shrink it down again.

Don't get caught in a never ending loop. (I have not seen Star Trek yet either... )

So now if we take the two prayers one rotates clockwise and the other counter and if we put them together inverted like two triangles inverted and shifted so that they over lap you end up with a geometric shape that forms the star of David, I really prefer to call it a six sided star.

Now are my cryptic thoughts starting to draw pictures and visions through my words? I really wasn't attempting to be so elusive with what I was writing about, I'm just looking for feedback much like trying to figure out where each of us are and where we line up and can connect upon what level. (There must be a better word instead of level as we are all on our own unique path, we are also sharing together in a far reaching way where we are building upon a different foundation.) What we build is not made of materials constructed and tied together to manifest a rigid physical structure, we are pioneers for a new dynamic where trails are being blazed or created with a network of systems that can transform our lives.

I know I am ready to experience a world made better in and with the truth.

Wow, interesting posts here! Blown away!


I get what you are saying, Goth. I believe that as spirits we are all equals, and that everyone is 'different' (that 'being normal' is an act people play.) However, not everyone plays or can play this game. Some people have to be honest (and literally become sick by BS, and have to work through a lot of complex psychological problems by participating in BS.) 'Normal people' can BS like it is second nature to them. Also, 'outsiders' see more deeply, think more deeply. You may be right, and the only difference may be a choice. Or perhaps, different sets of skills. But, the fact remains that some people do not play the game. The fact also remains that some people are 'mysterious' to most people, even on the individualistic level (when they are not in their 'normal' state of mind but are trying to 'figure a person out.') Ergo, some people are 'outsiders' because they do not fit in and are commonly misunderstood.

Also, I am no longer driven by insecurity and 'ego-react' to it by making myself feel superior to others in some way. I do have some rare talents, but of course others have talents that I lack and admire, and everyone has some talents that I do not possess, or at least not to the same extent. I do feel myself to be special. As Gary basically said, we are all special in our own ways. And I believe that feeling yourself to be special is both honest and healthy emotionally.


Very deep thoughts there, Gary. We must be comfortable in being who we are; if we are different, we should accept that and come to terms with it. You're right that being an individual (or outsider) comes with its own rewards, as although some people would persecute you for it others will admire you. Individuality is needed, and if you assume that 'role' (to me it isn't a role, but that is how some people would see it (or how it might be perceived symbolically,) people will see something in you that they would like to be more of. The same has been true for me; whenever I was being less of myself socially and I saw someone who was really being himself/herself socially, I admired that person and sought out to find what gave them the strength or courage to do that. And so, I was naturally drawn to that person and listened closely to their character, motivation and reactions to seek inspiration from them. Also, the very fact that a person can be who they really are--especially socially--comforts many people, because deep down everyone wants to be that way and fears that it may be impossible. As well, we grow tired of 'the game,' the BS. When someone is being real, individualistic, different, it is a breath of fresh air.

Like Goth, I do find your comments on our relation to the Universe cryptic. I am not sure to what extent it is intentional on your part, and no offence intended--I find it very interesting!--but I do find it difficult to follow. An outsider would probably look for a more abstract way of comparing or connecting to other people, because the usual social malarky doesn't make sense to him. If I am trying to understand other people, or how they relate or do not relate to myself, I imagine scenarios and let it play out. Maybe a burning building with a child trapped inside, maybe a fire alarm goes off and everyone is leaving but you saw a kid pull it so therefore this no reason to leave, or maybe something as simple as a very nice woman offering to give you three home-baked pies (gracious offer, but a very generous one.) Also, by observing how people react in actual events and comparing that to how I'd react. When I react in a way that others judge as wrong (whether it be 'stupid', 'selfish' or 'thoughtless' of my own interests,) I am very confused because I do not yet understand how they would react and am therefore baffled by their perspective. In that case, I quickly try to gather information from them as to how each of them would have dealt with it (taking into account that what people say of themselves is not always accurate.) Those situations have been very difficult for me to deal with in the past, and still can be.

Very well put Blue,

I'm going to come back to this tomorrow as for now I'm exhausted speaking of people trying to figure me out or me figuring out where they were coming from... I'm dealing with issues from the past and beyond this conversation and as a result I put forth too many hours of thought and research or should I say review.

Now to figure out how to pull all of this together and the logical thought I believe is to take my time and work fresh full of energy.

I admit that my post was influenced by my own personal issues which are currently slapping my thoughts around like a tennis ball on a court...so apologies for anything I might have said that came across as insensitive or irrelevant. I am taking time out of my own choosing to try and find the old Goth who isn't such a dick... I know she is hiding in here somewhere...

Awww! Hugs Goth... We were warned about this moment in time and the alignment of the cosmos there sure are a lot of heightened emotions.

The review of conversations from the past that have influenced my present are very interesting and confirm the amount of hatred that existed as a person close to me was looking for flaws and would twist the fun that I was having into anything to prove just how evil I was. I'm sitting here with my head spinning from all of the negative energy.

Hey I could show a prime example, as if I haven't written that before... There is another message board that you know of where things have blown up and out of proportion. It is part of life I guess, but there must be a way to make right some of the wrongs especially since we have this ability to write.

I"m still thinking about what I'm reading and what I'm going to do with this information and what I will write to make it right or correct.

So much to ponder.

I'm just glad to be here and sharing with you people as there is much love in this forum and in other places, I might not have the physical touch but I feel the spiritual connection that exists and would love to enhance that for all of us to be more real and deeper all in a very good way...

Thinking positive in a negative environment that has been created and exists to invade and veil the good.

You said nothing wrong, Goth. Just voiced your opinions. Your view may have changed now, but so has mine after making comments I have in the past.