Emotion Sickness

Hello and welcome to my life. One week I am fine and positive, the next I fall down and spiral into negative inner space. Call it bipolar, depression, hormonal imbalance, being forty and fragile or just female and neurotic...I hate these days when all I do is hide and draw the negativity to me like cat hair on a black shirt! These are the days I give up. This is the time I so badly need faith but everywhere I look just tears it from me. Plane crashes and child murderers and the rich getting richer and the poor dying in the droves and nobody cares...sure they say they do, but look at the news - we make a good show out of sharing misery that we could solve but hey let's not get off the sofa unless it is inspired by an advert for some sugary drink or latest must have materialistic gadget...I thought it was me with the emotional problems, reacting badly and behaving all dysfunctional like a teen trying to live inside a middle-aged woman's body, but no. I cry thinking about the things every day going on while we are groomed like pathetic robots to buy buy buy and compare ourselves through what assets we have rather than living compassionately and valuing other people. I don't want to get out of bed...

I took my kids out yesterday. We went around to the secondhand shops (opportunity shops run by charity organisations). I needed to buy clothing and I explained to the kids that when we shop at these places we benefit from the low prices and other people benefit from our money which goes towards the programs run by the charities for people in need (food vouchers etc). My kids thought this was great and were really excited - we always find bargains and enjoy rummaging through the shops together. Then we went out to the recycling centre which also has clothing and secondhand goods and is run by the local council benefiting local charity groups. My daughter and I were digging through the bins of clothes when one of the workers brought out a new bag full of clothing. A woman customer standing beside us grabbed the bag just as I was reaching for it to tip it in the bin so everyone could look, and she opened it, took a few items out then claimed the whole bag as her own - not to buy, but simply to keep it from me so she could look through it at her leisure once I had gone. Then she made comments so I could hear but not directly to my face, that my daughter and I were being too fussy over the clothes we were selecting. She threw several items our way assuming they were what we were looking for to which I responded that I was in fact after shorts for my oldest son and not dresses for myself or jumpers for my daughter. This woman was impeccably dressed by the way - labels and enough bling to light up a small city. Meanwhile I stood there in my ripped skirt and secondhand t-shirt wearing my new op shop shoes and no make-up with my hair looking like a dead cat. Anyhoo, the day got worse cos then a lady I went to school with turned up and she had her kids with her and her wonderful loving husband and here I was scraping together a few measly dollars to pay for secondhand clothing for my kids when that evil monster depression reared it's ugly head. I had to leave. I couldn't even say hello to the woman. I was too ashamed of my life.

So here I sit, thinking that if I never have to venture out into the world again, that I could live with that. To be reminded of the world we live in and the damage it does and how we don't create our lives without first finding a way to get over our baggage is the problem. I can be happy for other people but I can't be happy for myself. I get the whole abused child leads to dysfunctional abusive relationships in adulthood thing. I could just about counsel people on it myself, but I don't get how if I am such a great person how come I always end up hurting and shutting off. My feelings just end up numb after a few days and I lose all hope of a happy future. I feel dissatisfied and angry - ripped off and like 'why even bother anymore?' Everything becomes a means to an end. I just go through the motions...breathe in...breathe out...stare at a wall...stare at a ceiling....question what will make me feel better....retreat to an imaginary world where I invent an alternate reality that makes me want to stay alive...I know I am not powerless and yet I do feel stuck. Therapy talks me through ideals - yeah, they are great in theory, but in the world at large they are nothing more than dreams like my alternate fantasy world. Sure I am that three year old girl whose world doesn't make sense. I'm that child who was taught that love is pain and obedience and abuse. I'm also that unfulfilled woman yearning for a different outlook.

I know how you feel. I experience those emotional up-and-downs, too, so it's not just a female thing. Maybe it is a forty and fragile thing. Bipolar? Or just a sensitive soul worn down by the evils around it? I don't know.

I understand your frustration over the sorry state of much of humanity all too well. I'm experiencing a similar thing regarding new neighbours and their wildebeest herd of offspring. After seeing my garbage can lid stomped almost flat while used as a kick-ball base, after suffering through a jarring pounding on the house by a kick-ball kicked way too hard against the outside wall in a yard way too small to play such sport, after picking up strewn toys and debris in a pitch black yard so my dog could find a clear place to do her business, my already flagging faith in the future of humanity has hit an all-time low.

You see, we made the mistake of moving into a rental that shares a yard with the house behind it. The situation was tolerable when the landlady lived in the upstairs of the house across the little yard, but she and her man-of-the-moment have moved to another town, and the upstairs is now being rented to typical urbanite low-life white trash.

And if you know anything about me by now, you know that I don't use such derogatory terms lightly. However, no sooner did these new people move in, then junk and trash appeared along the back of the house across the yard, clearly and glaringly visible from our kitchen and dining room windows. Not to mention, their kids, with additional neighbourhood reinforcements to their gang, run around like screaming banshees, leaving toys strewn everywhere, and leaving their scooters in the middle of the walk. One kid even started pulling up the bricks in the side patio, a clear hazard to anyone walking down the side (which is the route we take to get to our current dwelling).

And if things weren't bad enough, our landlady is away right now. So we can't really notify her of the situation until she gets back. And I have serious doubts about her potential inclination to do anything about it anyway. I don't think she has much of a backbone, and I know she is desperate to have all her rentals rented out all of the time.

I don't want to live like this. I never wanted to live like this. And I feel pretty depressed myself right about now. Furthermore, I'm really starting to hate people!

Sorry for stealing your thread. I just thought some company in your misery might make you feel just a little bit better. Then again, perhaps not.

Goth~Ink wrote:

...but I don't get how if I am such a great person how come I always end up hurting and shutting off.

You end up hurting and shutting off precisely BECAUSE you are a good person. It's your defense mechanism. triggered by a good and decent heart encountering grossly indecent human behaviour.

I truly believe a good person can't survive today's evil world without some sort of defense against those evils. Evil seeks to destroy good; that's the way of the cosmos. You either attack the evil head-on (and usually suffer dire consequences), garb yourself in a thick armoured shell and pull your head in like a turtle in trouble (and withdraw from the world), learn to live with it somehow (probably the toughest option for sensitive types), or give in to the evil and join the legions of darkness. Far too many people choose the latter.

Whatever you do, don't join the darkness! Don't let the evil win!

(My instincts? I want to attack, I want to confront the evil head-on, and I have to fight against those reactionary tendencies welling up inside of me. I have to develop a strategy of knowing when to fight, and when to back away and bide my time.)

I've definitely been lead to have a big rethink about life. Thanks for your replies Richard. It helps to know that I am not alone in my feelings. The sensitivity thing can be as challenging as it is enriching. Let the darkness win? Never! Although I have thrown my hands up and just stopped everything except breathing. I started to recover this morning and then some wonderful individual who is a fine example of all that is wrong with the world, not only hit my dog on the side of the road but dragged it up the road until it died. I know all about the darkness, but where is the light? Is it really increasing or are we kidding ourselves and really just developing better eyesight as we acclimatise to the darkness? Maybe the blacker it gets, the better we evolve to see in it...I just don't know.

Ooooh My Gosh Goth,

So sorry to hear about your dog, my greatest sympathy to you and your dog, for your loss. This really sucks.



I've Been going through alot of death issues and young animals suffering and coming to my doorstep, as to looking for some kind of help and theres been nothing I can do to help them and then also having to watch my neighbour let this little defenseless baby raccoon be attacked by his dog and it looked like he was taking pleasure in it. Two days before that I had a neither little baby Raccoon wonder over to my backyard, I think they where from the same litter, but this little one was very, very sick with distemper, he had all the classic symtoms of distemper, confused , slow moving, off balance, runny eyes, something really a miss. I followed him from 11:00am in morning til 7:30pm at nite, trying to get him help and making sure he was safe and my dogs also. Then come to find out the next day that the little guy had just up and disappeared, the neighbour informs me that he poked it and dragged it to the woods near by. I knew that he knew that this little Raccoon that showed up two days later was not the same guy as before, that this guy was so much more healthier, he also knew this, because we had talked about it and he told me so, but still let his dog attack it and kill it right in his backyard. The only thing that was wrong with this little guy was that he was so young and defenseless also, he wasn't afraid of us or the dogs and this All lead to his death with the dog next store, he did nothing to stop his dog from attacking him. His dog is still a puppy himself (5 month old).

I've had to take on the Healing MASK for alittle while NOW !! !! This is what Raccoon teachs me about wearing different Masks .



My Heart is with you My Dear Soul Sister Kat

Sending you Much Love & Care from the Heart

Goth~Ink wrote:

...I know all about the darkness, but where is the light? Is it really increasing or are we kidding ourselves and really just developing better eyesight as we acclimatise to the darkness? Maybe the blacker it gets, the better we evolve to see in it...I just don't know.

Unfortunately, I think the darkness is indeed growing, in both breadth and depth. It no longer lurks in the deepest shadows of human minds. It now bubbles readily to the surface of consciousness in an attempt to blind all to the light of a more positive existence.

At times I wonder if this is merely humanity giving in to gross selfishness and blatant negativity, or if there are indeed greater powers at play. Evil, in a traditional sense, may truly be on the rise. Good must stand firm against it, or we all lose.

What does that means for those of us trying to remain in the light? Our lives have to shine all the brighter because of it. And the brighter the light, the quicker our energy is consumed. It's tiring, and can erode the soul.

Sorry to hear about the tragic death of your dog. It does seem to be a dreadfully painful example of what is wrong with much of humanity nowadays.

We spoke on messenger Goth, but I'm glad you have this thread. I know exactly how you feel as I have been there so many times myself. It is as though some people are more evolved than others. I mean common sense tells us that human lives should matter more than power, greed, and the almighty buck. We are slaves to a system that doesn't work, a society who has its' priorities screwed up. We get depressed, frustrated and overwhelmed because we know that this isn't what life is supposed to be. Where does one find peace if they have to worry about how they will get the necessities of life like food and clothing and medical? How does a deeply loving and compassionate soul hold the pain of the world inside themselves?

How do we handle losing the precious people and pets in our lives? How do we go on without them? I have hidden beneath the blankets in my bed not wanting to get up too Goth. I have diverted my attention away from the news at times, lost myself in books and movies just so I don't have to dwell on the truths of life.

How did it I ever make it to 51? I desperately hung on to the things that mattered most, family, a couple of friends here and there, my animals, spending time in nature, doing craftwork, taking one day at a time, one hour at a time if I needed to. I also learned to open up to people and get my feelings out. I have tried to live in the moment, meditated, listened to music, explored fascinating subjects etc. You just get up and put one foot in front of the other and go.

Hubby and I have never had children, or owned a new car, or a house. We have slaved away in factories working our butts off our entire lives. We once lived in a dangerous neighborhood with druggies, knife stabbings, wife beaters and screaming kids everywhere, we lived in the tiniest apartment I have ever seen, barely made ends meet, were always in debt. It was a nightmare. I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Then years later we both had decent enough jobs, rented an apartment in my mom's 3 family house for cheap which was heaven. If she dies, I will be losing my mother and best friend and on top of that will have to deal with paying normal rents. We are both are still un-employed. Still...I must hold on to hope, for without it, I will have nothing at all.

There are still good people in the world my friends. There is still laughter and love in spite of it all. We are still surrounded by nature and the beauty and serenity that it holds. Most importantly, we have each other, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on. We share our lives with each other in so many ways. When one hurts, so do the others. When one is joyful, we are all joyful with them. Now grab a great book, sit outside, enjoy the day in its' simplicity, and know that for today at least, it is enough.

Oh my dear Goth... I'm so sorry to hear about all of this.

What can I add to what others have already said... nothing, except to let you know you are not alone and that you have my love and support. You will see your way through this, and especially with the support from all the people who love you. Big hugs to you. <3