So random

I don't know, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Most of my ideas start out that way and then I back out of them (that's if I start them at all). Lately I can't get off my bum to do anything other than eat, pee, shower and change computers (one in the living room and one in my bedroom). I ask myself when life became too much but I'm not in the mood to talk to myself so I get no answer. It irks me to see other people living normal lives when everything is so much of a challenge for me. I thought today that I could write a book about what it is like for me inside my depression and multi universes inside my head. But then I hate those books detailing people's tragedies. It rips me wide open and makes me feel vulnerable. Scared. Maybe that's what my problem is. Instead of facing pain I try to avoid it. Sure we all have our challenges and i highly doubt mine are any worse than other people's. But some part of my psychology has shut down. The safety valve got hit with the force of a sledge hammer and now I can't go back. You see people have always come and gone in my life but not by choice. I expel people - literally turn my back on them. I thought it was because I am a bad person or a terrible friend. But now I see it is because I am scared. Over and over people have hurt me and I can't take anymore. I prefer to be alone. These past few weeks it has become an evolving state for me. Two exes re-entered my life. One has been jettisoned somewhere on the other side of the universe inside a black hole never to return. the other I have erected very clear hundred foot high boundaries for so he knows not to come too near. I know it sounds like I am shutting myself off and I openly admit that I am. Not that I can disconnect so easily from the dead - they pop in whenever they please and don't seem to pay my 'leave me the frick alone' sign any attention. I even fully get why men prefer porn to love because lately when I think about relationships all I remember is the sex and how lonely I was with those partners. Whatever happened to unconditional love? Companionate love? Doesn't it exist outside the walls of a church? No wonder I have stumbled through life angry and resentful and fearful. I get why animals were put on this planet now too. To teach us.Animals don't care if they get sex out of you or not, they just love you for you. Okay well maybe they also love you for buying their food. But you know what I mean. Just like we are the aliens on this planet, I think we are the animals on this planet too because the real animals are more highly evolved. They don't bulls#@t each other. They make their intentions clear. Their interactions have a purity that ours don't. And we treat them as less than we are??? We got it soooo wrong! Anyway, I just thought I'd empty my head onto the forum. It's random and it's fresh from my frontal lobes. Enjoy!

So I am practicing not being so judgmental but holy crap is it hard. I keep catching myself judging instead of impassively observing. And then my brain shoots out words like 'wrong' and 'bad' and 'disappointment'. How do you avoid the negativity when that is what you see around you, especially in other people? I try to find the positive and see the light that is within each human being, but sometimes it is buried beneath so much muck it doesn't seem to shine at all...tonight my mind is whirring with a situation that concerns me. I am trying not to be judgmental, but I really don't like the actions I am seeing played out.

That's a tough one... sometimes things really are bad and wrong, though... and although I don't think people are inherently bad, some people's lives have led them to certain points because they haven't known how to deal with events in a positive way. Traumas in childhood, etc... things that happened when we were three years old... all of it affects how we deal with things in adulthood. I try to see the three-year old child in people who do 'wrong' things, and that helps me to understand that that person has been hurt somehow and that's why they are acting out. But that doesn't change the fact that what they're doing is negative! Have you voiced your opinion, Goth? Have you let them know that you are uncomfortable with what you see, and why?

That is really great advice Gem. And ironically, I was just talking to someone about where our feelings originate and which part of us they dwell in and it was the hurt child inside myself that got brought up. That hurt child responds to abusive situations with hypersensitivity and the situation I described above falls under that category. I haven't addressed the issue with the person involved yet because I have been too emotionally attached to my reaction to speak in a manner that isn't going to come across as judgmental or interfering. I am forming an approach to the situation that hopefully will leave both me and the other party empowered and able to move on in a positive light. I am reading a book about subconsciously held emotions and their effect on our lives and this seems very related to what I witnessed. Everything we do has an emotion attached to it and when these emotions are beneath our awareness there is usually a root cause that is also affecting our physical reality (our health, behaviours, addictions, attitudes, actions, etc). I am really interested in exploring this more. The link is made by the author of how most therapy these days focuses on the conscious part of our existence (which is only 10% of the brain's function) whereas the sub-conscious (the other 90%) has been overlooked or barely investigated by modern psychiatrists or psychologists. However eliminating the root causes and emotions at the subconscious level is not only easier, faster and less traumatic than traditional therapies such as counselling or psychotherapy, but it has long-term success with no relapse. I mention this because most of the root causes of emotional problems do come from childhood or that inner child that makes adults behave the way they do in response to outer stimulus. This is very much an area that I am interested in studying more and the situation that made me feel judgmental involves someone who clearly has a very hurt inner child and is unable to reach back to the root cause of the pain to find a solution or healing that would allow them to move forward and lead a much happier (and healthier) existence. I am hoping that I will find the right words and gentle approach to maybe let that person's inner child know that it is okay and there's no need to be scared anymore. Before any of this is possible I need to heal my own root cause which makes me feel judgmental - and that is an abused inner child who sees history repeating.

All very interesting...I think I am Freuding out here with all my psychology babble...lol

Sounds like you're taking an excellent approach. And I think psychology and psychoanalysis are extremely worthwhile areas too, although I don't have a depth of knowledge of it. It intersects with astrology in many ways, which is why I got into astrology in the first place - the birth chart helping to highlight areas of our psyche (as well as showing possible related experiences in early life and in adulthood) and how they affect our approach to life and to situations. Good on you for taking a deeper look at what you see around you and taking a positive, constructive approach to it.

Astrology is an area that interests me but whenever I try to learn more I feel a blockage that leaves me feeling like it is 'too hard to understand'. Strange considering how easily I integrate alien information and off planet cultural stuff into my body of knowledge. Guess i can't be an expert at everything huh? lol. I do connect quite heavily with my earth sign traits and Taurean nature though. I could not imagine me being any other sign.