Emotional shock and bummed out

I found out yesterday that I have to go get a colposcopy for a MINOR abnormal pap smear result. The doctor stressed "minor", and I know many many women get this result and it can go back to normal by itself. And even if it doesn't, it doesn't mean you will get cancer. So I know all this and that it's nothing to panic about - but all the same it's been a bad emotional shock and I feel sort of depressed. And I'm disappointed that I obviously haven't been able to look after my health well enough. I've had a minor abnormal result before, a couple of years ago, and it went back to normal - and I know that this seems to happen to me when I've been very stressed out and run down. I knew I was run down for the past couple of months but I'm just so disappointed. I don't think I've felt this bummed for a long time... I feel like I just got steamrollered. I couldn't sleep properly last night - woke up three times - and I just can't believe I feel this bad, when I had started to be more positive again and feeling good about everything. I also have a yucky feeling about sex now, like I'm just really really put off.

Obviously I need to reduce my stress and start taking all my immune-boosting supplements again, like vitamin D etc. I'm just wondering to get myself out of this shellshocked/bummed out state of mind (without spending any money - I'm sure some 30C Arnica would be worthwhile but just can't afford it right now)...

If anything is going to make a woman feel vulnerable, it is something wrong with her reproductive system - even if it is minor. I have had those abnormal pap smears for years. The first one was when I was 21 just after the stillbirth of my daughter. The diagnosis was CIN3 abnormal cells on the cervix - that is the last stage before they become cancerous. I was terrified!! I had to have colposcopies and biopsies and cope with the grief of losing my first baby all with no support - my family lived 2000 kms away at the time and my partner was less than sympathetic. I left that situation, reduced my stress and lucky for me, the situation remedied itself and disappeared. However it returned as CIN1 and was discovered when I was 8 months pregnant with the next child. Lucky me had a colposcopy while pregnant - very uncomfortable! After the pregnancy again it went away...then returned two years later when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter...and again went away of it's own accord. The rollercoaster effect took a toll on my self-esteem and I felt very insecure about 'that part of my body' and sex. I think the hormone fluctuations and stress played a major role in those cells forming.

Gem, it is natural to feel the way you do. The hardest thing to do is not worry. This is your health and a large part of your identity as a woman that is being compromised. Try not to focus on the worst case scenario and instead think of things that will make you feel more at ease with your femininity. For me, I felt sexless. Most of my life I have felt more male than female even though I knew the girly me was in there somewhere. Accessing her makes me feel calmer and more centered.

You could try doing things you love to lift your spirits. Anything positive that is a distraction is good right? Do you have anybody you can talk to about your feelings? How is Mr Gem taking the news? Is he supportive and understanding?

How long do you have to wait to have the colposcopy done and get the results? My darling, anytime you need to vent or share your feelings, you can do so in here. My love and light are on their way to help boost you in your time of need. Take good care of yourself and know that you are not alone.

Thank you Goth. I do have vague worries about what might happen to me in the future, even though the whole reason they have this screening process is to treat any abnormalities if necessary so they can prevent cancer. Knowing that all of this is preventative, still doesn't seem to help the emotional side of things, and I think you hit the nail on the head about it being to do with a woman's identity and feminine-acceptance and sexuality etc. Immediately I don't feel sexy (hadn't been feeling that great in that arena for a while anyway and I'm sure Louise Hay would say this is part of the problem), feel a bit yuck about being attracted to men, and I feel like a genderless blob all of a sudden. Like you I've never really felt 100% feminine - I enjoy the whole clothes and makeup thing, BUT apart from that I don't feel like a 'delicate girly girl'; I think my hormones are weird.

You must have been going out of your mind every time you got those abnormal results, Goth - the logic of screening being preventative, and that many women have these results, doesn't help much at the time does it? I think it's also an issue of not feeling in control of our own bodies. Thanks so much for sharing your story, because in a way it helps to know that you overcame it even at CIN3. Our bodies do possess an amazing amount of self-healing power.

Trying to do things to lift my spirits... having today off work (I was anyway, ironically it's now not quite the stress-free day I had hoped for!), filling my vitamin D prescription (I haven't taken any vitamin D for a few months but it is a great anti-cancer supplement), and Mr Gem is going to buy me coffee and a muffin. He's been pretty good - he's a generally impatient person who doesn't really understand emotional issues (he generally tries to make me feel better via logic!), but he is being sympathetic and kind to me. So he's coming through suprisingly well. I'm also going to hopefully get my fringe trimmed today - and hairdressers always make you feel nice with their compliments, so maybe that will give me a superficial boost.

I don't have an appointment for the colposcopy yet but I would expect it to be within a month; apparently you get the results right then and there.

Thanks so much... I feel a little bit better for now. <3

Sending some Healing Light your way Gem and some Girly support my dear

You're going to be just fine. That's why we are tested, so they can find abnormalities right away. Hugs, love and light, courage and peace my friend.

Thank you Solane and Nightie. <3

Right now I just feel disappointed in myself and peeved that I haven't been able to keep myself in perfect health.

Well Gem, you are human and not a machine. This sort of condition isn't necessarily brought on by poor health or neglecting yourself. I think you are beating yourself up unnecessarily. Be kind and nurture yourself darl. If it were someone else who just found out they had an abnormal smear test result would you be disappointed in them because of their health practices or trying to be as supportive and positive as you could to help them heal? We seem to have a habit of being hardest on ourselves when we know that we wouldn't ever act that way towards someone else. Perhaps there is more to gain in being compassionate and loving your body for it's power to regenerate cells and appreciating the role it has in housing your soul and dutifully transporting it around every day If for no other reason than the law of attraction - if you keep thinking I didn't do this or I let this slip, then you will attract further lack into your life. Appreciate the good and let the doctors deal with the rest hon As Nightie said - thank goodness they screened you and caught it at such an early (treatable) stage.

There are people who live extremely healthy lifestyles and still get cancer. Dont you blame yourself hun. You are going to be fine.

Well yeah I'm pretty happy with my lifestyle re diet and exercise (and nutritional supplements); the thing that I'm unhappy with is my stress management. In my opinion, stress is one of the worst things to affect a person's health.

But yeah, thanks both of you.

Just got my letter from the hospital - turns out my appointment for the colposcopy is considered non-urgent (after being considered by the specialist) and so my appointment will be scheduled sometime within the next six months. If your case is considered semi-urgent then you get an appointment within four weeks. So the fact that they consider it non-urgent is very encouraging and will give me plenty of time to really sort out my energies and self-healing faculties! When they do this test, I want them to be able to have a look and say, "your cells are normal"!

Keep the positives coming Gem - this is good news and very encouraging. Keep believing in yourself

Thank you, I will!

A friend who does chi gong just lent me a book that she thought I would like - it's a really good eye-opener AND confirmer of things that I already knew, but it approaches the concept of how energies affect us and our health in a much deeper way than anything I have read before. It's an amazing book and is really highlighting for me how I can help myself, and how consciousness is everything! It is an amazing book and a real turning point for me.

What is the book called? I get a really good vibe off the way you have described it.

It's called 'Voyage to the Shore: An Invitation to Enhance Your Health and Develop Your Life' by Yuan Tze. It was published in 2008 by the Yuan Tze Centre in New Zealand. It may not tell you anything that you didn't already know, BUT for me personally it is really crystallising everything into a whole and giving me a broader perspective at the same time. It's also giving me some new ideas. It's aimed at people who are learning chi gong, BUT I'm finding that it's inspiring me to do some different things with reiki - which like chi gong makes use of universal energy. One idea that stood out to me is that a chi gong master can channel chi/qi/ki into items of clothing so that the clothing will have healing properties when you wear it - I'm sure this could also be done with reiki! I'm getting a little excited about the possibilities, lol. When I went to bed last night I was all, "OMG I'm going to reiki my bed so it can heal me while I sleep!" And he says we should clear second-hand clothing of the previous owners' energy before wearing them as well. Anyway... the thing that is really inspiring me is everything that he says about consciousness. Take what you already know about positive thinking, affirmations, Louise Hay, and then read this book to reaffirm and expand how you understand what is happening energetically when you really change your thinking - 'head chi' as he calls it is the hardest to transform, but one of the most important things needed in order to bring about true self-healing. I just love this book!

AND! He says that when we focus on an illness or a negative symptom - eg "my headache is so bad", "this tumour is so bad and out of control" - then through our thoughts we are inadvertently sending chi/energy to that symptom/illness/growth which allows it to gain momentum and grow! As it is an area that already has bad chi, then it thrives on more of the same! He says that the best thing is to think that the illness is not even there, because then you don't send bad chi to it through your negative thoughts. How is that for an eye-opener!

Ah yes, I do believe in what we think expands - the good and the bad. That is why I disagree with 'fighting' anything, because instead it would make more sense to love a situation and expand the love which heals.

I have overlooked cleansing secondhand clothes for the energy residue it might hold. This is a good point. It applies to secondhand books etc as well. Funny thing, I had a dream about secondhand books last night. There were a few books I own in the dream and there was two ladies who clearly appeared in the dream as the previous owners of my books. They were trying to get me to buy other books off them. Could it have been caused by energy residue and a psychic link made because of it? I am not sure but I will be smudging all my books today to cleanse the energy of them.

Good idea, Goth! I had never really paid much attention to these things before myself.

Well I finally had my colposcopy! Given that I've had a very stressful and tiring few months lately, I didn't expect to have an 100% normal result - but I'm quite pleased to know that the doctor only saw a low-grade abnormality in one small area of the cervix, that we do not need to do anything about at this stage. I get biopsy results in a few weeks to confirm what he saw at the examination, but overall I'm positive that with some good rest and stress-reduction the abnormality will go back to normal soon enough. So it's as good as I had hoped for at this stage!

What a relief! I think you are on the right track with stress relief. I know I had stage 3 pre-cancerous cells on my cervix that were found right after I had a caesarean birth in which my child was stillborn. Within three months I had nothing there. I removed myself from the stressful situation I was living in and even moved state to be with my family for love and support to recover. It's amazing how much stress affects our health. Ask anyone who bites their nails or comfort eats - they will tell you! Anyway darl, I hope that the biopsy gives you even better news. Look after yourself and hold onto hope. Take good care of yourself.

Thanks Goth. :)