I don't know anymore.

I'm having a crisis of doubt... maybe it's just because I'm feeling tired, and let down by people lately, along with other things that are happening at the moment - but I'm starting to really doubt the experiences and perceptions that I've had in the past couple of years. In terms of spirit communication I mean. I'm starting to think that it's all in my head... like something weird in my brain that is making hallucinations or something. I've been reading about auditory and olfactory halllucinations, and that sounds just like some things that have happened to me. I mean, I've always questioned things that have happened to me and I feel like that's probably been a healthy thing to do - but I've just really started to wonder if everything has been hallucinations and not anything 'real'. My mum said that no, the things I've described to her are definitely spiritual. But while I want to believe it, I'm feeling like everything else is letting me down lately so maybe it's time to stop believing this as well. :( I don't know... I mean there is part of me that's still saying 'yes, it's all true'... but what's up with this bummed-out feeling??

Also last night I just don't know if I'm losing the plot, but another thing happened like the time the chocolate bar 'appeared' on my desk. I said to Mr Gem that we should watch something (like a DVD or video) and what I had in my mind was one of his Blakes 7 videos. When I turned back to look over at the TV/videos etc, I suddenly noticed that a Blakes 7 video was beside the TV. I am certain it wasn't there before! But then there it was beside the TV. This kind of thing makes me wonder if I am actually forgetting things that I saw beforehand, like maybe it was there all along but I just didn't notice it. Also as far as I know, it was underneath the Placebo music DVD, and when I looked, the Placebo DVD looked as though it was moved. Maybe Mr Gem went and moved it and I didn't take it in. This makes me wonder if my brain missed out the whole part where he might have gone and moved the video or what... I'm confused.

I hear what you are saying Gem, and I too have gone through times of doubt with my own experiences. It can be quite trying and frustrating can't it? Sometimes we question if we ourselves create the experiences because we want so bad to believe or if it is some perfectly normal activity that we have attributed to our spiritual beliefs. Usually with the spiritual you will feel it in your gut - that nagging feeling won't go away and there is scientific proof to back it up. With doubt comes fear and fear blocks our higher thoughts. It is human to want to belong. Human to make errors...and human to want answers.

I've been writing alot lately. I like to create stories and characters and then let my subconscious take over and the storylines seem to flow automatically. When I read back over them, I will recognise certain parts that are more than a little too close to art imitating my life. Sometimes Ic an see it so clearly that I go " ooh, that is me...I did that" or "yeah, that is exactly how I feel". The other night after writing one such story I couldn't sleep. I ended up writing again, but this time all these real memories flooded back and for an hour I found myself writing about my childhood and recalling so many missing pieces I had blocked. I hadn't realised there was happiness in my early years because I had blocked it out. I had carried all the negative messages forwards in time with me and left the positive literally prisoner suppressed deep in my mind. And you know what I found in those memories? A whole lot of spiritual and supernatural events. From flying and levitating to seeing auras and spirit forms to healing with energy...it was all there. And also leaving my body at will and remote viewing and so many answers I had been seeking but was too afraid to access. What made me forget until now? My mother's messages at the time. She discouraged my experiences and dismissed them as 'not real'. To have her acceptance I had to accept the condition of denying my truth. Well every child wants their mother's love so that is what I did. Luckily for me, I have a good therapist who has helped me to recognise how these early messages affected my life and I have managed to trust in myself again.

Yesterday, after I had written about those experiences and fully embraced them, I was sitting out in the yard on the grass, enjoying the mellow winter sun when I looked over at my kids' play area. Without even trying, I saw all these colours dancing around objects and even transient coloured energies where different people and animals had just been - I call them spirit colours or energy residue. I really appreciated being able to do that and it became even stronger. Later I went inside and was laying on my bed when I looked up and again my vision shifted and I saw lots of orbs and translucent whitish spirits around me. I could sense who some of them were and I felt quite warm and positive. Then last night I heard them talking - it sounded like it was coming from between the seemingly empty spaces in my room. Quite clearly, I heard a melody from a song I wrote being played to me. The song was written over 20 years ago about the father of my children and was about letting go of a relationship that did not support me. It is called "Not You". I haven't played or heard that song in ages...I could doubt these things just like you doubted the dvds Gem - that option is always available. But I don't. Does it do me any harm to believe that what is happening is beyond currently accepted mainstream experiences? No. Does it add meaning and understanding to my life? YES!! And that is the key to overcoming your doubts. If something has a positive impact and improves your quality of life then I think it is worth holding on to. Only you can decide whether your mind is playing tricks or something bigger is going on. Often the spiritual things do not go away even if you do block them or doubt yourself, as my memories spanning over 30 odd years have shown.

Have faith Gem, and follow your heart and intuition. There's no right or wrong here - only what serves you best in your own appraisal of the situations.

Thanks Goth... yes the doubting and questioning is a weird and trying thing. Like you said, I've also thought to myself that if my experiences are positive and make me feel good, then what's the harm even if I'm deluding myself?? But then again I was remembering yesterday about one particularly horrible experience and I am SURE my mind cannot have just created that one. It was also backed up by some strange happenings in the house at that time too. And if bad energies can be real, then so can good ones surely!!! Strangely enough I have no doubt in psychic abilities, I know that my intuition is real and I know that my premonitions and energy sensitivity are 100% real; but descriptions of disorders like schizophrenia and hallucinations sound so similar to what we would call clairaudience or clairvoyance. Yes I have seen the movies playing in my third eye and they seem like direct communications but maybe my brain just made it up. etc etc. But then I think, no wait - what about that time I went to watch the Narnia DVD with my friend and when we sat down on the floor to watch it I felt a lovely energy appear in the room and come down beside me... how would I imagine something just 'happening' out of the blue like that? I was in a fully conscious state, not half asleep/half awake like I often am when these things happen to me, and I *felt* it in the room. And what about the time I had the most intense spontaneous clairvoyant vision of MB and then I went away and did a little Google research based on what my intuition was telling me about the vision, and I found that what he had showed me was directly relevant to himself... I don't doubt that something psychic happened, but sometimes I wonder if it is all coming from *me* and not from any spirit realm at all. I think this started because I commented to Mr Gem, how come I can sometimes see and hear things in my head but I don't see spirits standing in front of me? And he said it's because it's all in my brain. And then that started me thinking. And then I found out that someone in my direct family is paranoid psychotic and delusional and that they are probably going to be committed - so I wondered if it runs in the family. Combine that with me feeling a bit depressed and let down over a few things recently. Then again I still do have that small inner voice telling me that this IS all true. It's so weird.

Ironically, 'So Real' by Jeff Buckley is going through my head now.

(Ah Jeff Buckley, he and his music were so lovely. Another brilliant singer gone too soon)...

Wow, thats always BE-en one of my biggest fears in this life time, is that they would commit me and throw away the key, so to speak. More so this ALL come into play by things the family had to say about me and who they thought I was Things like " She's into ALL that weird Spiritual Sh!t " my mother BE-ing very mentally un-stable , suicidal, lossing her two children for two yrs BE-cause of it (Court battles) and then getting me back to raise. Right away every-One said I was going to grow-up to BE just like her and " What did that comment mean about my mother ", what did it ALL mean???? What was my mother going to BE ???? I found every-ONE had an opinon of her though. You shame a parent in front of a child and you shame the child also. They called my mother weak, depressed, drunken, un-fit, s!ut that couldn't handle life and didn't want kids, poor thing couldn't even take care of hers-ELF let along two kids So, OH BOY I get to go and live with my mother who has BE-en labeled all these things, so my biggest quest and part of my journey has BE-en un-covering, & re-discovering who she really is and thats me. ( Reclaiming her soul-s-ELF !! !!)

I don't have to fight for my right to BE anymore, I AM just me, I can just BE, without all these s-ELF projected fears and labels. I k-NOW without a doubt who I AM, when I AM coming from a SOUL LEVEL of consciousness.

I have found NOW that I'm seen as to HAPPY and go lucky for most folks and theres no way in hell that any-ONE can BE that HAPPY and go lucky ALL the time. It's not good for ONE-s soul to BE that way or that HAPPY ALL the time. My own family was really affraid of me and for my WELL BE-ing( state of mind) I'm not HAPPY ALL the time, but always inviting more of it into my life, BE-cause it gives me such balance and energy, energy that I need for this Journey Called Life and for me to LIVE it with JOY. Its taught me how to laugh at mys-ELF and others, learning to take it ALL on a much LIGHT-er note, kind of thing. I was told once that it's ALL just a Cosmic Joke, not ALL that funny really, but a Joke all the same. I think thats were illusions come in and we make the whole thing up, this journey of life and who and how WE ALL really perceive it to BE.

I think your a cool person and very wise old soul and that you well work it ALL out for yours-ELF in due time, my dear.

Keep the faith, even if its blinding sometimes

Wow! Thanks ladies for sharing such personal stories of your lives. I have no doubts of my own weird experiences, then again, they are few and far between these days.

Goth, I was happy to hear that you have been writing and by doing so, have uncovered some memories.

Solane, inspite of your family comments and your mom's experiences, I think you turned out just amazing hun.

Gem dear, perhaps with everything going on in your life, you are a bit overwhelmed and doubtful. Hang in there. Things will all fall into place once again. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time as I always say. That's what I do.

Thanks again friends for sharing!

I agree Nightie, Solane you have turned out amazing!!!! Thanks so much for sharing your story. Yes Nightie I know, see I have not really doubted my experiences quite like this before - but like you said maybe the doubt is just because of my state of mind and recent events. Things have happened to me that are not really explainable - but I suppose like Goth said, if those things have a positive impact on me then what's the harm. Even things like, the other night there was a bunch of drunk aggressive people outside my house and I was worried they might come into the property and cause damage or something - so I called upon Archangel Michael to protect me and my home and to disperse the drunk people so they would all get home safely for the highest good of all... as soon as I did that, and they had been out there for a while, they DID disperse... coincidence or intervention?? It really seemed like I got the intervention that I asked for. One time when I asked Archangel Raphael for physical healing, I had a very amazing spontaneous energy healing that felt totally different than anything I would do for myself; it seemed to have an intelligence of its own and it just automatically went to the right places in my body and when it was done, I felt completely fine... was that my own innate healing powers at their best or was it guided/sent by Raphael? In a way, does it really matter? "But it really doesn't matter at all, no it really doesn't matter at all, life's a gas..." Anyway I do reckon that my recent events are making me more pessimistic. It actually all got worse today because some shoulderblade pain I've been having went OTT this morning and I've been in severe pain - I can't lift my arm to do anything, not even to turn a tap or fill a jug of water - had to go for an urgent appointment to the physio, I'm on some strong pain relief and I can only position myself in one way that is comfortable at all; I will have to spend the next few days taking it very very easy. Apparently it is all coming from my good old friend my thoracic spine. This has really just topped off all my recent happenings, let me tell you. My friend thinks it has all been triggered by stress and she's probably right!!! Gonna do my best to stay positive and get over this latest little episode.

Solane, such a beautiful and luminous soul You truly have turned your darkness to good use and found a way to shine all the more brighter in this world.

Thinking about the purpose of this doubt, I think maybe it is there to help us access and learn to trust our intuition or instincts. Let's face it - we come in to this world in a fog of amnesia and then proceed to learn all about who we are. We do this through learning and sharing who we are with others and vice versa. Our path leads us to define and whittle away what isn't ours...leaving behind what is. When we doubt, we cross the planes between human and spirit. It is like the proverbial flash of insight - breaking through the illusion to peek at what is real. Only because we are living on the human side, we assume that doubt which leads to us thinking our spiritual experiences are paranoia or mental illness is the reality of who we are. In actuality, it is the very challenge we have been set by incarnating - to discern that we are NOT crazy: we are spiritual beings.

GemLover wrote:

I agree Nightie, Solane you have turned out amazing!!!! Thanks so much for sharing your story. Yes Nightie I know, see I have not really doubted my experiences quite like this before - but like you said maybe the doubt is just because of my state of mind and recent events. Things have happened to me that are not really explainable - but I suppose like Goth said, if those things have a positive impact on me then what's the harm. Even things like, the other night there was a bunch of drunk aggressive people outside my house and I was worried they might come into the property and cause damage or something - so I called upon Archangel Michael to protect me and my home and to disperse the drunk people so they would all get home safely for the highest good of all... as soon as I did that, and they had been out there for a while, they DID disperse... coincidence or intervention?? It really seemed like I got the intervention that I asked for. One time when I asked Archangel Raphael for physical healing, I had a very amazing spontaneous energy healing that felt totally different than anything I would do for myself; it seemed to have an intelligence of its own and it just automatically went to the right places in my body and when it was done, I felt completely fine... was that my own innate healing powers at their best or was it guided/sent by Raphael? In a way, does it really matter? "But it really doesn't matter at all, no it really doesn't matter at all, life's a gas..." Anyway I do reckon that my recent events are making me more pessimistic. It actually all got worse today because some shoulderblade pain I've been having went OTT this morning and I've been in severe pain - I can't lift my arm to do anything, not even to turn a tap or fill a jug of water - had to go for an urgent appointment to the physio, I'm on some strong pain relief and I can only position myself in one way that is comfortable at all; I will have to spend the next few days taking it very very easy. Apparently it is all coming from my good old friend my thoracic spine. This has really just topped off all my recent happenings, let me tell you. My friend thinks it has all been triggered by stress and she's probably right!!! Gonna do my best to stay positive and get over this latest little episode.

Gem, that shoulder again! I can't believe your luck with it, but I do agree that stress can have nasty effects on our bodies. I wonder what it is you are having trouble carrying emotionally? The back is your support in life...where do you feel let down or unsupported? I have been reading Brandon Bays but also Louise Hay is great at this kind of healing. I just really feel your problem is not so much physical as it is emotional. That's not to say that one method will correct over another - sometimes an integrative approach is more effective. I hope that you find relief soon, but better still a longterm solution so it doesn't return. Sending my prayers for your recovery and removal of your pain darl

GemLover,

EVER-ything is going too BE just fine, my dear. Your TRUE-ly a " GEM "

Thanks for sharing you story with H-EAR-t !! !!

Gem, I have you in my thoughts and am sending healing vibes. I live with pain every day of my life and it isn't easy. Your shoulder pain sounds intense. OW!!!!! When I was suffering intense shoulder pain after my accident, I had to have a shot in that arm before the pain went away. I couldn't even sleep at night the pain was so bad. So, I know how you feel. If all else fails, try the shot. It works!

Thanks guys, I shouldn't even really be on the computer because my shoulderblade hurts so bad. Ironically it's not the shoulder that usually hurts - my problem was on the left but now it's on the right and is the actual shoulderblade rather than the top part, so it's all just ridiculous and out of the blue. I couldn't sleep tonight because of the pain so I've been up since 3am now (two hours ago). I did some EFT tapping that cleared away the pain that was right across my back but the shoulderblade is still really painful. I think you are right about the emotional reasons Goth, and when I look at the events over the past couple of weeks that seem to be related to this flaring up, especially relating to burdens being carried - I would say financial worries, and a whole heap of sh*t and stress about the family member being in the mental hospital; the right side is masculine and these are definitely masculine-related issues. The pain has come so out of the blue it can only be related to/triggered by these events I reckon...

Oh man stress will do it - I think I nearly fused my shoulders permanently into position under my ears from all the tension I carry there! I have so much trouble relaxing those muscles...I used to think it was the way I sat and hunching over all the time, but there is no denying that the root cause is bracing myself against all the slings and arrows that come my way on a daily basis. As if I needed confirmation - remember my tooth dream where all my teeth fell out and I felt it was related to letting (emotional) things go? Well the issue in particular that I thought related to it has been on my mind again and guess what? I broke a tooth! It didn't hurt but it had a jagged edge that cut my tongue when I talk and when I eat...ever since it happened that same issue has been literally cutting into me...I find my self-talk relating to it really damaging and painful. Now I can't get an appointment with a dentist until next week to have it fixed and the throbbing is so irritating...hello Goth - here's your opportunity to tackle those surfacing feelings and let this issue go once and for all! I always think that we can run and try to hide from the universe or mask what really ails us with other ideas or beliefs, but we cannot avoid our lessons fully. Somewhere, somehow, they always catch up to us and if we want to move forwards we have to deal with whatever it is and release it. Not that identifying the cause or emotional energy trapping us is easy.

Louise Hay has written excellent books about how physical symptoms escalate as we persist or ignore the thoughts that led to them in the first place. There is scientific proof to back her up too. One profound connection she has made is between long held resentment or anger and cancer. I believe if our point of creation is our thoughts then this is an area that we have yet to fully explore - the power of our thoughts to heal. I must admit, I have had depression all my life and it didn't improve until I changed my thoughts and started forgiving myself. Of course I wouldn't tell you to throw away any other pain management you might find useful, but from my way of thinking, what have you got to lose by exploring the mind body connection? If it isn't going to interfere with other therapies or make your pain worse, then why not have a go? It can be as simple as affirming that you are safe and free to express your thoughts no matter what they contain and see what is really on your mind. For me, if there is an issue that I am being stubborn about acknowledging it will get brought to my attention again and again...the person's name or some situational factors will come up randomly and more than once in a day or their initials will haunt me wherever I go or I will encounter situations that mimic the one that led to how I am feeling. It can be annoying because naturally I tend to want to 'outrun' them or dismiss them. But like I said before, the only way through it is to work through it!

Rest is good too - for the body and the mind. Pain is easier to manage if you can relax and breathe deeply. It also gives your thoughts space to develop. Alot of people think it is lazy to take time out to lay down or have a breather but it is far from wasted time. Listen to your body and give it what it needs to overcome this pain Gem. You have been running on high energy for everybody else now take some time to nurture and replenish yourself. You deserve it

Yes... thank you! A lot of things are coming together in my mind the more I see how everything is connected, and you are so right about taking a holistic approach... and resting... My shoulderblade is getting a bit better now and I think it should clear up much faster than my neck problems did. I can actually wash and dry my own legs and feet now (I couldn't do it by myself for days).

While too hot in bed the other night, on painkillers and yet feeling pain, I had a really spooky dream - being too hot and in pain, especially after having taken a pill of any kind will really do that to me. It was the dog again, and it was still a very imposing dog but I faced it much better than before. Then Gandalf from Lord of the Rings said that the dog was Osiris and he sent it away for me, and also used a magic sword to cut the head off a growling black panther that was there. It was all very spooky and Plutonic and to do with facing the shadows.

Then tonight I was telling Mr Gem about the dream while he was doing dishes and I was cooking, and I mentioned that every time I dream about this dog I feel stronger and less scared of it. Then we heard a voice talking somewhere behind us - we both turned around and looked in the same direction, and Mr Gem asked if I heard it and I said yes! It wasn't the TV, because the sound came from a different 'angle' and it was unrelated to the sounds that were on the TV. I have no idea what was being said and I couldn't hear the qualities of the voice very clearly, but it was again a male aged late 20's to early 30's, or at least that's what it sounded like. And it was more of a 'smooth' voice than a rough and masculinised one. There was the sound of an 's' in whatever was said - could have been my name maybe?? When I said what I had heard, Mr Gem was obviously a bit spooked and he changed the topic. So maybe I'm having a little less doubt again now... surely both of our minds couldn't invent such a hallucination??

Good Day GemLover,


Glad to hear that your shoulder is getting alot BE-tter my dear.

Just posting some Louise L Hay here for you

Shoulders are mean-t to carry JOY

New Thought Pattern

I AM Free to BE JOY-ous !! !!

Loving Yours-ELF

Can you remember the last time you were in love? your heart went ahhh. It was such a wonderful feeling. It's the same thing with loving yours-ELF except that you will never leave. Once you have your love for yours-ELF, it's with you for the rest of your life, so you want to make it the BE-st relationship you can have.

Louise L. Hay 's book " The Power is Within You "

WOW !! !! ed I was, when I flipped open the book again after ALL these yrs and I had totally forget who had bought me this book 17yrs again, 17 reduces into a 8 vibe also, but it was signed in the front cover, Aug.4th 1992, To A Loving Daughter, Fr: Mother. 8's & 4's are FATE & DESTINY numbers. Wow, Now thats some symbolic or what I think thats why I held on so long with her, ALL-ways wanting her to get it, ALL-ways hoping she'd not stay, Were Angels Fear to Tread, theres kind of a fine line and when one crosses, one may not come back, I call it, " Lost Souls ' but one still walks this earth plane, if you k-NOW what I mean. Oh and my Brother's B-Day is Also on Aug. 4th, weird how that works Wish she had of got it But this is my gift and lesson that she give to me, by not getting it hers-ELF, by not getting this journey of life or lessons, so I could and I would even more soooo BE-cause of it. Sad, but so true for me. Thanks Mom !! !! I have made Peace with her though mys-ELF healing.

Thanks Solane... amazing synchronicities there!

I've heard of 'The Power is Within You' and I will try to get hold of it as it sounds really good...

For now I'm really confused about my job situation. I still have nothing definite lined up but there are some potential part-time opportunities that might start soon... but the thing I don't get is, if my employers had to cut my hours so severely (from 30 to 10), then why have they just taken on new staff members and why does it sound to me like one of them is doing something that I could have potentially done, at least partly? There are certain things that sound to me like either (a) they are severely overlooking me, or (b) things might improve in the future so that they might increase my hours... I wish I knew which it was. I keep feeling like my hours WILL increase to 20 as that's what I've put out there to the universe...

I don't know where you are, but here I have noticed a trend in how companies are saving themselves money at the expense of their employees. There are places that instead of giving full time jobs to a set number of people, they give more people than necessary part time hours. In some places employers don't have to give medical to part-time help. Other places have cut wages down but increased hours so that you are working more hours for the same amount of pay you were getting for less hours. Some places have cut down to 4 day work weeks. Many many places are hiring illegals because they will work for so much less than legal citizens, hence the cutting of decent wages. companies will take advantage of employees in anyway they can.

I have been out of work since last September and am so sick of hearing "sorry we arn't hiring right now", or "Oh we just cut back to 4 day work weeks and are laying off people". Sometimes I will see a job I would like to apply for but it is way to far to travel, too technical, you need to be bilingual and know english and spanish. WTF?? In the meantime my unemployment funds are running low and by October/November I will have no income whatsoever. I will be forced to drain my bank account. I am frustrated and depressed sometimes. After working hard for over 30 years it is a shame that so many people are in the same position. Tent cities are popping up all over the place because shelters are filled to capacity. It is a very sad state of affairs. In the meantime prices are rising on food and everything else. I worry about affording medical.

Casual employment is the way of the future ... it has been a growing trend for decades and is not about to end. I saw this ad on another site which was funny but at the same time infuriating. It had 4 balloons - one red, one blue, one green and one white with a question beside it: "What colour is a green card?" If you pop the right coloured balloon then the company arranges a green card for you so you can work in the USA...Is that how easy it is for foreigners to come in and get jobs over there??? It seems like some kind of sick joke...

I've kind of lost my way lately too hence my absence from this forum. I don't know anymore. I am sickened by the state of the world and don't want to interact with it. It makes me doubt myself and lose sight of what is really important. Human life seems to be becoming more and more devalued every day...

Sigh. It is all very depressing. I'm trying my best to stay above that totally depressing level of worry though and will just keep trying. Signing up to a temp agency this week. I can type pretty fast... the main reason I did typing class at school was so I would have something to fall back on if shit hit the fan one day...

I wish I were more scholastically inclined. I'm lucky I made it through high school. LOL Just have a hard time retaining things and understanding. I don't drive either, and I just made it to over 50. So I do have obsticles. Still happy having my freedom though. Ah, so nice to be able to truly relax and not have to follow a rigid schedual and put up with people's petty bull. lol

I think that is the key to retaining our peace Nighty - focusing on the good in any situation we find ourselves in, even joblessness. I haven't had a job for a good many years other than being a full-time Mum and what has kept me going has been finding inspiration in my daily life. When I focus on what I don't have it just makes me depressed. Even worse if I start comparing myself with other people...I remember when I was younger I owned a sports car and I got treated alot differently from now when I drive something far less expensive. But I realised that the problem was not mine - it belonged to other people judging me by the amount of wealth I had because of the car I drove. Mind you, I was not wealthy - even poor people can own nice cars lol. I can honestly say I am happier now because I decided not to buy into the whole status thing or judge myself by such shallow standards. My security is based on something much more authentic than having a job or owning things. And I still truly believe that everything I need I have or is provided for me. Hasn't let me down yet. My latest mantra is:


And if that doesn't work, just remember: Don't take life too seriously ~ it isn't permanent

Yeah... I can fully relate to enjoying the freedom of not having to follow a schedule etc. Being a low income earner doesn't even worry me too much overall, it's only the fact that if I don't get more work I could end up in trouble with the debt collectors. It's like a cruel joke that I'd just set myself a plan to be debt-free by January and then out of thin air suddenly I no longer have the income to do that. The plan was to get out of debt and then never get INTO it again... the fear of not being able to pay my debts and then getting in trouble is the bad thing. Still being as positive about it as possible though. I go to the temp agency tomorrow to register and do computer tests.

Gem, years ago when I was first married and we didn't have any medical insurance, my husband ended up in the hospital being diagnosed as diabetic. We had THOUSANDS of dollars worth of bills piling up. Now when it comes to collection agencies, as long as you are paying something even if it is a doller, it shows you are making an effort and there isn't a damned thing they can do about it legally. Some of those bills went from one collection agency to another. finally they gave up. And here's a good one for you: The hospital offered to cut our bill in half if we paid right away. Like yeah, give us a break if we pay now which we can't afford, or pay the whole thing at whatever time it takes. Obviously we could have used that discount!! Man!
So anyway, don't worry about it. They can't get blood from a stone. tell them yeah I can afford to pay more if I don't eat. I love to make those jerks feel bad.

Good point... if it's not there, it's just not there I suppose. I would just feel terrible about it though, even though it's not my fault I had a sudden loss of income... but it's thousands of dollars so that makes me really anxious. Thanks for sharing your story though, it does kinda put it in perspective a bit!