Anger and Understanding

Anger and Understanding

Anger can be an appeal for understanding. Everyone wants to be understood. And when we are not understood we often get irritated and angry. Without being understood we cannot make meaningful connection with another person. And since making connections is a fundamental need we all have, people can get very disturbed when understanding is lacking – even to the point of violence.

There is a great deal of anger in the world today, both in individuals and in large groups of people, that is being expressed through violence rooted in the anger of not being understood.

Hidden behind our annoyance at not being understood by others is our unconscious feeling that we do not understand ourselves. In this unconscious search for our own understanding we reach out to others to understand us, hoping that this will satisfy the need we have. We do have a real need to connect with others, but behind that is the deeper need to connect with our own true inner self, the soul that we are.

The central energy of soul is love. So what we are searching for in wanting to be understood is love in one form or another – a love that supports, affirms and totally accepts who and what we are. The only love that is unconditional enough to do all that can only come from soul rather than from others by whom we want to be understood (and loved). Therefore, we most often feel that others do not really or completely understand us.

There is something we can do to help ourselves to be understood. We can learn to be clearer in the way we communicate. Communication skills are rarely studied or learned, and people generally are rather weak in being able to communicate clearly. One excellent resource for this is a book called Non-violent Communication by Rosenberg.

However, if we do not understand ourselves, no communication skills will compensate for that lack of self-understanding. And when we do understand ourselves more fully, who we are then touches others more directly and automatically. Who we are, and are aware of, then speaks louder than words. Self-understanding must be matched with unconditional, impersonal self-love as well. Otherwise that self does not reveal itself to others. Love is always the door that opens and reveals what was previously concealed.

When someone is angry with you, or simply angry, you might ask yourself if it is because they want understanding, or want to be supported (empowered) or want to be loved. It will always be one of these, and often all three. What is your most appropriate response? Usually you will not love or support without understanding. So attempting to understand, and assisting the angry person to understand themselves better, is worth your undivided attention.

Exercises:

1. Do you have the erroneous belief that as long as you express your anger you have released it, and don’t need to do anything more about it? Expressing anger has the benefit of showing you your anger, but constantly expressing it without dealing with what is behind it, simply reinforces the angry habit.

2. What do you do when you get angry? How do you move beyond it to love, power or understanding?

3. What attitude or action will you take in the future when someone expresses anger toward you?


By Soul Journey